


These Scars Remind Us

by ApolloAttraction



Category: Young Avengers
Genre: Angst, Gen, dissociative scene, murder mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 01:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4687427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApolloAttraction/pseuds/ApolloAttraction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy and Billy both carry the weight of their scars. Some may be smaller than others but they’re burdens nonetheless. They help each other cope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Scars Remind Us

Tommy and Billy are playing video games on the couch when Teddy walks in and kisses Billy good morning. Before he does it, Teddy brushes some of Billy's unruly hair behind his ear; that's when Tommy notices the scars. Three faint, purple-red blemishes are indented on Billy's ears. Tommy knows what they're from, even though Billy doesn't really talk about what happened in the cube.

Tommy doesn't say anything about it, but it sticks in his mind for the rest of the week.

On Saturday, he's tired of thinking about it and he's got a few questions he wants answered. He walks into the kitchen where Billy is trying (failing) to concentrate on something for his college. For once, he looks relieved that Tommy is interrupting his studies.

“Are those the only scars you have?” Tommy starts and points to Billy's ears.

Billy raises a hand to one ear and traces the dots. “I've got this one, too,” Billy says and shows Tommy a tiny scar across his thumb. “I was trying to build a robot- who knew copper wires were so sharp?”

Tommy scrunches his nose. Billy's scars are nearly invisible unless you know what to look for. Tommy supposes that might answer his main question, but he still wants to ask. “Why don't you get rid of them?” Billy gives him a quizzical look so Tommy expounds, “I mean, you can rewrite all of existence; I'm sure you could get rid of some tiny scars if you wanted.

“I guess...” Billy shrugs a shoulder. “I don't really think of using my powers like that, though.” _Not anymore,_ Billy doesn't say- as the phrase _I wish I was someone better_ floats through his head.

“Well, now that you're thinking about it-” Tommy gives him an expectant look.

“No,” Billy answers. “They're part of me.” His hand is still on his ear and Tommy notices him run his fingers over the scars again. 

Tommy sits down at the counter across from Billy and stares at him, searching. “But they don't have to be.” 

Billy sighs and finally admits, “But I want them to be.” Tommy doesn't look like he's ready to relent. “Look, I know you don't care about this one,” he raises his thumb, “So what's the big deal with these ones?” He finally drops his hand from his ear.

“It's just... that mission wasn't exactly fun times; why take a souvenir if you don't have to?” Tommy looks concerned even as he tries to keep his voice light. 

“Because I need to.” Billy looks down at the book in front of him, pretending it's regaining some importance. “No, that mission wasn't fun, but I need to keep that in mind. Before I joined the team there was this clear cut-idea of heroism in my head and I thought I'd fight some villains and save the day and be worthy and honorable and everything that I used to see in the actual Avengers. And it's still kind of true but... I was powerless and watching people die- watching people get hurt-” His eyes turned to the door and Tommy knew Teddy was on his mind. His voice is strained when he continues, “I wanted the warden to die. I wanted him dead and I wanted to kill him. That''s not heroic. But it's part of the job. Bad things happen and you have to be above it.” He shakes his head, tries to sound light, “I mean, I know it's dumb. I could remember that without them I guess. But they keep me grounded, you know?”

“Yea...” Tommy says quietly, but _no_ he doesn't. Later that night, when he's brushing his teeth, he lifts his shirt and looks at some of his own scars. He tries to empathize with Billy, tries to think about them the same way. Instead he feels light-headed and numb. He puts the tooth brush down and runs his fingers over the misshapen purple-red puncture wounds on his side (they almost look like larger versions of Billy's ear scars; maybe that's why he got so hung up on it.) 

The scar doesn't change length, but it feels like it goes on forever as he runs his fingers over it again and again even as the reason for doing so bleeds from his mind. He's staring at his own hand on the scar and not actually comprehending it. It feels like he's not there anymore- like he's watching TV and that hand and that scar and that body isn't his. 

He comes back to himself after a while; he doesn't know how much time has passed. He still feels out of it as he puts his toothbrush away and goes to his bedroom, but he's starting to be able to think again. His foremost thought is that _grounded_ is the exact opposite of what his scars make him feel.

+

For the next few days, Tommy is hyper-aware of his scars. He's got several, but most are hidden by the simple act of putting on his clothes. If anyone notices the pinpoint track marks on his arms, or the thin scar across his neck, they don't say anything. He's starting to ease back into avoiding looking at them and pretending they aren't there (as opposed to consciously trying to hide them) when Billy walks in on him getting out of the shower. This is already one of the most stressful and exhausting parts of his day- it takes so much not to look in the mirror- so much to look away when he catches his reflection in the chrome siding of the shower. And then Billy walks in and Tommy is half-way dressed and doesn't have the capacity to say or do anything other than stare.

It takes Billy a few seconds to figure out that he's not alone as he digs through the medicine cabinet, but when he does he says “Sorry,” and turns on his heel with the little bottle of whatever he was looking for. Tommy stands still for a few minutes, then gets himself together enough to finish getting dressed. “Jeeze, Kaplan, have you ever head of knocking?” He complains loudly as he enters the living room.

Billy is sitting on the couch, staring at the medicine bottle he'd just gotten. “Sorry,” he says meekly and without looking up.

Tommy gives him an appraising look and walks up behind the couch. “You okay there, Billy?”

Billy gives a little shrug. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You just did,” Tommy replies with a small smile.

Billy snorts. “It's about your scars.”

“Go ahead,” Tommy says, because it's fair (he asked Billy about his first.) He hopes it's simple, though, because he doesn't _actually_ want to talk about it.

“Are they all from juvie?” He looks up and his eyes land on the scar at Tommy's throat.

Tommy has to stop himself from moving a hand to cover it. “Yea,” he replies. Billy is quiet. It's awkward and strained, so Tommy talks to fill the void. “They wanted to learn more about how speedsters work. Lots of surgeries. I was sedated for most of it.”

Billy cringes. “I'm sorry.”

Tommy looks him over. His eyes land on the pill bottle in his twin's hands. “What are those?”

“My anti-depressants.” He sets the bottle on the end table and pulls his legs up to his chest. “I think I'm hitting a low again.”

“Do you need me to call Teddy?” Tommy offers, knowing that it was always Teddy who pulled Billy out of depression every time it recurred.

Billy shook his head. “No.” He sighs. “I can't believe we got back into being heroes. After everything that happened...”

“Some of us never quit,” Tommy says cheekily. Billy draws in on himself even more and Tommy curses himself. “I didn't mean it like that.”

“I know,” Billy replies quietly.

Tommy moves around the couch to sit next to his brother. “I'm not good at this,” he says plainly. “I don't know what to say. But I'll listen if you talk.”

Billy chuckled, “Careful, Thomas, or I'll start to think you care about me.”

Tommy rolled his eyes at the name, “That's just one bullet I'll have to take then.”

“Hm.” Billy goes quiet again, then- “You wanted to kill people when we first released you-”

“Just the staff at Juvie,” Tommy corrects.

Billy nods. “How did you get past that?”

Tommy looks down at his own hands and flexes his fingers. “Honestly?” He swallows, doesn't know if he should admit this. “I didn't.” Billy looks up, surprised. “I still hate them. I still want them dead. Sometimes I think about the...satisfaction...” He stops, cringes at himself. “I still want to. I just don't.”

“What stops you?” Billy asks, unfolding himself and turning toward Tommy.

Tommy looks up, “I don't want to be the person they made me.” His eyes meet Billy's and he has to look away again (surely Billy won't condone this. Heroes don't want to kill) “I want to move on,” he says earnestly, voice straining, “But everyday is- I just- It's hard not to think about it.”

Billy nods as silence overcomes them. It takes him forever to break it, but when he does- “I still want to kill the warden”- it's Tommy's turn to look up in surprise. “I...” Billy's voice cracks; he takes a deep breath and tries to hold it together.

Tommy doesn't know what to say. He blurts out, “Noh-Varr beat you to it.”

The relief that washes over Billy's face is as instantaneous as the anguish that follows it. “I shouldn't be happy about that.”

Tommy shrugs. “Some people deserve to die.”

Billy wants to disagree. He wants to say that every life has value- that no one can judge but God- that redemption is always possible- that heroes shouldn't want people dead. There's a hundred platitudes and morals and Sunday sermons rolling through his head, but it all stops when his eyes land on the scar across Tommy's throat.

He reaches out and touches the scar, running his fingers along it. “You might be right,” he says instead. He pulls Tommy close and hugs him. Tommy is stiff for a moment, but then he hugs Billy back. “I'm sorry,” Billy murmurs as a blue glow surrounds them. “I wish I could do more.”

“What?” Tommy pulls away, confused. His body tingles and feels weird. He looks down at his hands and notices the track marks on his arms are gone. He blinks, then speeds to look in the bathroom mirror. The scar on his neck is gone. He cautiously lifts his shirt and his eyes widen as he sees that all his scars are gone- even the ones that had marred his sides.

“I'm sorry,” Billy says hurriedly as he misinterprets Tommy's wide-eyed, shocked expression. “I should have asked first; I can put them back if-”

Tommy grabs Billy and pulls him into the tightest hug. “Don't you dare.” His eyes are watering ever so slightly as he sighs and says, “I can go topless now.”

Billy snorts. “Damn it, now we'll _never_ get you dressed.” But he hugs Tommy back and smiles softly- at the very least they could get though this together.


End file.
